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  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog</loc>
    <changefreq>daily</changefreq>
    <priority>0.75</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-04-17</lastmod>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog/haunted</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-03-30</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Blog - Reasons Why Your Apartment isn't Haunted</image:title>
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  </url>
  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog/board-game-lessons</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-04-17</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/b0b24c2b-ede9-4a7b-a76a-9ceebcbbacad/chutes.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games</image:title>
      <image:caption>Chutes &amp; Ladders There is no better example of teaching kids the cruel twists of fate and hubris by subjecting them to the cruel and traumatic realities of Chutes &amp; Ladders. Your entire progress in life, be it careers or relationships, can take a sharp turn towards disaster in the shape of a sexual harassment lawsuit, embezzlement, corporate fraud or adultery, letting the hands you’ve stepped on rejoice in your deserved demise. On the flip side, it teaches kids the merits of get-rich quick schemes like the lottery or company nepotism, and that they should climb that peak as high as it goes before a scheming peer knocks you off.</image:caption>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/f5f973b1-0dff-44e2-b46e-4955ba515c82/candyland.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Candyland What a better introduction to the world of adult-onset diabetes and obesity then submerging your children into the hedonistic world of insulin spikes and sugar rushes. It’s a scientific fact kids love candy, and to envelop them in a landscape where there is unmediated consumption of sweets to be visited again and again puts your children onto a fast track to a recovery program. They can’t hit rock-bottom until they’ve been at the top, creating an unrealistic perception of life known as bipolar disorder.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/0e7f3f8e-9e0f-4795-a728-6469e950c154/life.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Life The compressed timetable in which Life operates is the first fundamental flaw that kids will pick up on, and the freewheelin’ attitude towards the domestic lifestyle the game perpetuates will be their last. Not to mention the fact the game omits the only certainly in life, death. If you’re going to subject them to irregular paydays and the mandate of marriage based entirely on chance, at least be honest about their fate. Cleverly removing the possibility of a meritocracy should instill a sense of luck in the children that all of these problems are still first-world.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/d077c236-797b-4f3d-8940-bb66e42faf0d/mallmadness.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games</image:title>
      <image:caption>Mall Madness Since consumer culture has never been more infantilized, Mall Madness creates a crash course for the children’s defining future role in society. Rack that debt up high and kick up that interest to the same investors who managed that sweetheart deal with the town government to insert those big-boxes into the local economy with significant tax breaks! Drain your habitat of local mom n’ pop culture and replace the public commons with highly-patrolled privatized space! With all that revenue leaving the town budget, your children will be lucky to work at the mall, which has now been abandoned by retailers for the upscale development across town, leaving unsightly blight in your backyard.</image:caption>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/53e9e900-56ae-43cb-9e9c-fe9507aabd34/sorry.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games</image:title>
      <image:caption>Sorry! This one is best reserved for playdates, where your children can learn the realities of the unavoidable rivalries that exist between all humans, and also learn the importance of humility when their best friend sets them back for their own personal gain, leaving behind a trite and insincere apology in their wake of destruction. It will also introduce the concept of revenge, which will fuel their desire to overtake their rightful spot, until the game is over and they’re forever left without purpose and empty.</image:caption>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/f08c833c-3af9-4c0a-ba4f-50700c1b6efd/clue.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Clue Even in highbrow estates in which Clue is based, human beings are capable of ending each other’s lives for no apparent reason, and will go to far lengths to hide their actions and escape responsibility. Rather than reflect and prescribe society’s ills that causes a man to turn on another, it’s important to use simple forensics and allow all and any interested parties to throw wild accusations into the public forum. Only until an illuminati holding all the cards reveals previously withheld evidence are parties allowed to leave, shamed and humiliated, guilty until proven innocent.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/98304df0-ede2-4e42-afd7-037c289734f1/guesswho.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Guess Who In the age of racial profiling and ‘If you See Something, Say Something’, it’s important to instill a sense of civil responsibility in your children to take a second-glance at that suspicious figure and jot down a few details, such as glasses or no glasses, what color hair, race, any details at all that can bring a person of interest down to the station house. It’s also important to not let the loser of the game feel too badly about it, because the winner is a snitch and they’ll be getting theirs very soon.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/0a36c38b-1147-4336-b341-41504d8e5d2b/twister.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Twister Everyone's body is beautiful and should be respected despite society’s ever tightening range of acceptable physical images. Only by forcing your children to compare and contrast their bodies and their relative limberness on a plastic mat can they truly appreciate what natural advantages they can flaunt and take note to what afflictions they can mask and grow neurotic about as they grow older.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/a0d9d24d-0568-4631-ab49-ced2fbafc60b/ouija.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Oujia You can dispel the finite notion of death and the tale of infinite afterlife happiness in one fell swoop by dropping this cardboard nod to black arts and mysticism at a sleepover. Ouijia excels at providing specific answers to simple phantasmic queries but leaves your children holding the bag of much heavier existential answers which will weigh on their minds the rest of their life. Brilliantly, the game is malleable enough that it can purport to provide the answers to everything until the kids are tired enough that the smartest one (or which ever one you can bribe) makes an effort for the marker to hit ‘Good Bye’, leaving the kids with more questions than when they started.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/099e2ea8-09e3-4f02-8fbf-143c833516c1/monopoly.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Life Lessons via Board games - Monopoly A perfect starting point to introduce the concept of class stratification to the wee ones and to plant a seed of contempt towards their Marxist classmates. Gordon Gecko couldn’t have devised a better playing field to enforce that greed is good and failure to pay is failure to play. It will also misinform your children that they should invest heavily in outdated infrastructure such as railroads, which will eventually be subsidized by the government and prove to be a loss-leader in their holdings. Not a bad way to teach kids an aspiration to join the soulless one-percent and that Monopoly is a synonym for ‘No Choice’.</image:title>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog/frank-serpico-fashion-police</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-03-28</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619794638-GVG0N4H3ZHCKB3MLLUYF/serpico.jpeg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Man, this shirt chaffs. Something is dirty in this department. The clothes!</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - I know I'm supposed to be in plainclothes but this is ridiculous...time to make some changes around here.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Sir, I'm suggesting we mandate at least 3 shirt buttons undone. I can't breathe out there!</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619691042-2GKZ270LFOU7I280LVJH/05PM.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - I'm talking all sorts of accessories, like this hat. You like this hat? Yeah you do.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - What's a matter, you don't want to be my partner? It's ok, I already got a partner. This cute lil' mouse. This mouse will never ask me to take money. What's that mouse? Not you too!</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Why won't anyone in this department take me seriously?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Now, this vest may not be bulletproof, but it would be a crime to shoot a police officer dressed as good as this. Ya dig?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Every cop should have a motorcycle. It doesn't even need to run, it's just for the look.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Dear God, man, what are those, lapels? I got a lot of work to do here...</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Be cool, Serpico. If you could handle high school you sure as hell can handle the NYPD.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Mama, I swear on Saint-Panera-of-Napoli I'm gonna have the whole department in polyester. Just you watch.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - How did you not know I was a cop? What did you think I was, a house painter?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Internal affairs is going to plotz when they see this outfit. Now STRUT.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Feast your eyes gentlemen, now  this is how a cop should dress. Any questions?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Excuse me officer, my eyes are up here.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Socks &amp; Sandals, gents. It's summer and IDGAF.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - I would say more, but this button is basically on my neck. It's right on my neck, officer. Can I have some paper and pen, please.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - I feel like I'm being alienated from the force, chief, and I think it's because I'm too honest. No other possible explanation. Just my outlandish, flamboyant honesty.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - I'm serious, Mike. You have 10 seconds to tell me where the sample sale is.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Why is it so hard to believe she's my girlfriend? Honey, tell them how often we do it.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Oh shit am I wearing two types of plaid? Gotta run home and change!</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - I know what a joint is, man. We have plenty of these in NeverNever...I mean...da bronx.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - It's not funny Laurie! No one in the department trusts me or wants to come to my clothing swap.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - No, chief, I didn't know ponytails were against regulation. I assure you I don't have a ponytail.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - It hurts to look this good. No, really, my shield is pinned to my nipple.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Okay, maybe the suspenders were a bit much...</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Just going to walk up and down Bill Cunningham's street until he notices me.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Incident report? No this is a letter to the higher-ups at  Esquire about the state of emergency that is this police department. S.O.S.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Notice anything...different about me lately?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Oh Tim Gunn, why don't they understand me like you understand me.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Do I look like the type of cop who takes bribes? Ok, how about a regular person who takes bribes?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - OK, Laurie, now I didn't read this letter, but I assume you're leaving me because of my steadfast refusal to be part of a corrupt police force. Now...no, it's not a man-purse! It's a saddlebag, duh.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Frank Serpico as told through High Fashion - Will someone please come get this thing off my neck!</image:title>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog/space-slug</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-03-29</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619733130-H77RL0T2P4SMLWHT8CYN/2Guns.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Here we have Space Slug shooting two guns indiscriminately while giving the audience his classic devil-may-care smile. Heckling him in some capacity is Oral Bob, informed by the Bloom County character Oral Bill, although I wasn't quite sure what I was satirizing, I just knew money-loving priests was considered edgy. I obviously still operate under such guidelines. (Pretty sure this is not copyrighted).</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619750732-MBSNQFJ5V1ENXH8C5ZJV/coffee.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - This is a classic composition of Mr. Slug, coffee cup in hand (I Heart Caffine [sic]) firing his weapon at no one in particular. Notice the bloodshot eyes, saggy, exposed lids, and John Wayne stance. Perfectly normal attributes for a 12-year old.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619736153-JCUU5SGT2MJQ4UGI069Y/Backpack.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Here we have a 4-sheet of Space Slug prepared for battle. I first drafted this at my cousin's house in South Boston on my aunt's Congressman's stationary. Highlights: A tennis racquet, an enormous rod of exposed plutonium, a refrigerator, Waldo, a guillotine, lots of supplementary caffeine, and a full Cadillac who's unnamed unwitting mutant driver is soon to dispatched by a ninja.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - The first attempt at a group photo, this piece really explores the canon of our hero's universe. From Left to Right: Pansy Man (sorry, that was his name), unidentified scientist, unidentified robot, unidentified King Hippo knockoff, a comet, a gruff caveman, a toddler with a gattling gun, our hero, some sort of cloak figure, legacy character Nemo, a man with salt shakers for hands (Spiceman?), a blob with a tooth, a mohawked nerd, 'the unwitting mutant', Oral Bob, and I have no idea.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Group Photo 2 (with proper branding): Mohawked Nerd, a disgruntled hospital employee (?), the robot from the Dire Straits video, Nemo, The Comet, a demon dragon, Cave man, Cloak Dude, King Hippo, Unwitting Mutant, Tooth Blob, Pansy Man (if I recall correctly, he could adjust his size to fit the context of any picture), Oral Bob, and a character I guess is called Generic Scientist.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Rough draft of premiere issue of Space Slug's self-titled comic, courtesy of the now-defunct Liquid Press.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - As I got more involved in 'mature graphic novels', I felt the need to create a character where I could draw abs all day. Hence 'Pansy Man' is born.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619738438-FEWL7W0J8VWZ5SF265SN/Happy2.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Rendered here in pencil on paper, Pansy Man and his brothers (inspired by Deadpool and John Lennon, respectively) descend on our hero.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - The first in a series of entitled 'Jump', Space Slug fires on unseen assailants, while kicking Generic Scientist squarely in the jaw.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619741429-3GCGQK2SM8T6ZYALXH2L/Jump2.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - 'Jump' continues, with Mr. Slug utilizing his jetpack to escape the flames and jutting spears below. Mushroom Cloud because who cares.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619741835-MIWFC5W9TGYYEEB1XQF2/Jump3.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - The 'Jump' series concludes with a Bauhaus inspired design of a seemingly intoxicated Slug returning fire with lots of what can only be described as 'emotion lines'.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Slug takes a breather in this candid shot, jittery with what is an unhealthy fixation on Caffeine for a 12-year old.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug - Entitled 'Shoot1', this piece introduces preliminary branding, and a special eyepiece which I guess actually helps him for once actually look at what he's shooting at.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Space Slug</image:title>
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  </url>
  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog/inspirational-quotes</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-03-29</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Blog - Quotes That Disrupted My Life - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/d308ce60-b495-42c5-8f5a-348d11505daa/2.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Quotes That Disrupted My Life - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/66180bbd-23b0-4a7e-a14b-bca896d91f07/3.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Quotes That Disrupted My Life - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:title>Blog - Quotes That Disrupted My Life - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
    </image:image>
  </url>
  <url>
    <loc>https://www.inpoliteco.com/blog/2010/05/29/tracks</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-03-28</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - El Debarge - Rhythm of the Night They sure don't make 'em like they used to. Back in 1986, you had smooth brothers crooning about romance and nights you won't forget and dancing until the morning light. It really left something to the imagination. In fact, people back then didn't have sex. They just danced all night long. That is how you did things back then. People were happy. Then comes LL Cool J, with his songs about girls with big behinds and 900 numbers in his name, and all of a sudden we've got to buy deodorants, brush our teeth, and wax Brazilian. Sometimes you gotta do what's best for the team, James.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Bel Biv Devoe - Poison Ten bucks says either Bel, Biv, or Devoe heard Bobby Brown singing the hook to this song. Devoe prompts, "Bobby, what's that you're singing?" Mr. Brown just shyly cocks his head, "Ahh, thats nothing", and continues to look out the window, his eyes full of hope. Later, Bel hears Bobby singing in the shower. "Bobby, that's sounding good! What do you call it?" A delayed response from Bobby: "I dunno, it kinda needs work." Finally, Biv walks in on Bobby with his notebook. "Whatcha working on?" Bobby swiftly closes his notebook. "It's personal." he responds, as he takes off his glasses. Next thing you know, New Edition was over, and Bel, Biv, Devoe was born. When they came into the studio, a tape was still in the machine. Apparently Bobby Brown was sneaking in the studio late at night and working on new material. The label on the tape? Poison by Bobby Brown (AND NO ONE ELSE).</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Console - Gulls Galore Fuck I, Robot. This song sounds like the soundtrack to a movie with AI with no EI. That’s artificial intelligence with no Emotional Intelligence. Yeah, sure, ‘bots can do math real good and stuff, but what good is that if they’re gonna be balling their eyes out every three seconds because there’s no way you can diffuse their emotional neediness because they’ve already computed all the possible bullshit answers you’d tell them just to get them in the sack. If you think your girl participates in circular logic, these bots fucking created that shit. Don’t front.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Boyz II Men - Motownphilly This song is almost DOA when you hear the producer say "It don't matter, just don't curse." You reach for the stop button, then a little something called New Jack Swing enters the body and crosses the blood-brain barrier intact. The media called it the Agent Orange of 1991, where troops of youngsters were exposed to the harmonious vocal stylings of four handsome African-Americans, kickin' it just for you. This is the kind of music you played at your sleepover, then your dad is all like "There will be no Gangster Rap in this house!" Then your friend Steve stands up, "Chill, Mr. D! They ain't bringing it like that!" and then Steve is no longer welcome in your house.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Kool Keith - The Girls Don’t Like the Job Oh man. If there was ever a song to calm down the white anxiety of “Would Ice Cube think I was cool, despite not having not having successfully ‘killed at will’? Would Xzibit pimp my Escalade if he knew I got it from my dad’s dealership, and not dealt drugs or rapped like those who made it fashionable? Do I really have to listen to Ice-T, star of Leprechaun in the Hood?”, this is it. Kool Keith makes mundane white culture fun again, or at least he is more proficient at it than all of us and that’s why he can derive so much pleasure from it, while we’re all trying to Coolatta ourselves to death from Mike Meyers and Hoobastank.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Dizzee Rascal - I Luv U This limey makes getting a 15 year old girl pregnant sound like it’s a gang initiation. Some people have to run across the street during rush hour, others have to turn off their headlights then murder whoever flashes their lights, performing their civic duty. In East London, some gang member knocked up someones little sister, and when confronted with it, he’s like “Yeah, no shit? It’s the coooolest!” and not atypical with gang mentality, the fad spread like wildfire throughout the gang community. It makes sense, when you don’t have much, you can always pawn off your possessions, or in this case, your family member’s psychological and financial stability for the rest of their lives. Put down the guns, Pick up a book.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - The Stampeders - Sweet City Woman “Put that fucking banjo, DOWN, you fucking asshole! No, it doesn’t sound good! Put it the fuck down!”, then some engineer picks it up and begins playing in the back room, some intern starts humming a bassline, some homeless guy starts hitting some plastic barrels, and the most badass 13 year-old ever with flip-down lazer shades does the solo on strat his dad just bought him (and resides across the street, shooting his son the devil horns and flailing tongue during each solo). They’re all looking out the window singing about whatever passes by the window and this kinda homely, but used-to-be-attractive, woman passes by and the guy starts singing like, “Oh, won’t this be cute,” and then she stops and stands there, shyly cocks her head, swinging her purse, and then the singer keeps looking at the dude humming the bassline like, “What the fuck do I do now? I was just kidding lady.” A small crowd envelops the destined duo, all staring at the singer like “Seriously, look at this lady, you’re all she’s got right now,” and shoot daggers when the singer continues to look at his newfound bandmates with ocular requests for assistance now that he realizes he’s way in over his head and wishes to end the song. But then she continues to stand there well past the awkward pauses where everyone else left, like “Ok, you got my attention, cassanova, now sing to me about pleasures of the flesh.” The singer guy starts playing an acoustic version of “The Humpty Dance” which digs him even deeper, because he heard a guy doing it once and everyone groaned just at the prospect of it, but this frumpy 30-something found it irresistibly charming and now assumed the singer had many black friends. Long story short, they’re both dead. And they died unhappy.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Boston - Feelin' Satisfied While technically not an 80s song, it was ahead of its time. The lyrics are completely ridiculous, the verses are the simplest blues scales, but the hook is simply amazing. The Ooo are ya feelin' satisfied make you stand back and makes you hope you were conceived to this song. I checked my dad's record collection, but he probably threw it out because he simply cannot afford any more kids.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Expose - Point of No Return I first heard this on STAR 93.7FM during one of their 80s mega mixes and the production on this track is absolutely marvelous. There are over a dozen tricks of production overkill that somehow morphed into a giant robot that was born to destroy Miami for unleashing a track that proved the industry wrong that a mountain of coke and a few computers could create the sonic equivalent of an erotic thriller. The guitar solo was added to give the detective extra time to cruise around, trying to convince himself there will be other suspects to sleep with, before he finally busts the bitch.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Extreme - Play With Me We all know this song as the one from Bill &amp; Teds when all the historical figures are flipping out at the mall, but it really needs to be heard in its proper context. That context happens to be the dream where you and your friends have exactly two minutes and twenty-four seconds to shoplift all you can while the security changes shifts. Youre throwing DVDs to your friends because you know you're pressed for time, and the new kid is trying to find the magnet that will set off the alarm and you get to slap him because theres no way youre gonna find them all in time. At 2:25, the security guards bum rush the store and you knock over displays trying to trip them, then you jam the door with one of the DVDs (you should have already picked which one), and flip 'em off from your friend's speeding Oldsmobile.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Pulp - Common People There is a girl I know who claims this is their theme song, which might be the most unapologetically conceited thing I have ever heard. Yeah, it's anthemic and danceable but its ultimately about the upper-class co-opting working class values to fulfill their vapid lifestyle. I didnt want to pry at their reasons for picking this particular song for her dreary, emotionally-draining sitcom, probably because the response would be something like explanations are the opium of the masses.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out for a Hero How suspenseful did this song make that crazy tractor race in Footloose? Bacons totally clutching, AGAIN! I prefer the other usage of this song, in Short Circuit 2, where Johnny Five is careening down the boardwalk, bleeding battery acid all over like he gives a fuck, and sporting a makeshift mohawk, which means he hates his dad. He gets his wheely-ass up on a crane and says in a demonic tone, "OSCAR! I AM REALLY PISSED OFF!". The song fits perfectly because all those ten-year old kids in the audience were sick of asking for robots that couldn't even teach them the words they really needed to punch up their college apps.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - The Strokes - I Cant Win Something about Julian Casablancas writing about not getting laid on his second album seems a bit queer. He talks about going to bars and getting shot down like he can't get an intern from SPIN to commute from central New Jersey at 2 a.m. to ravage him proper. I find that even more disloyal to fans than when rock stars start writing songs about stardom, like when Vanilla Ice decided to ink up the ol' feather and contemplate on the times he spent with the Ninja Turtles. Yeah chief, like I can identify with that.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Real Life - Send Me an Angel For some reason, this euro-trash synth pop became the song for all occasions in the late 80s. When Cru Jones and Lori Loughlin had to hijack the dance floor and court each other with BMX bikes, what song what there? When Fred Savage had to cart his retarded brother across the country to win a video game championship to try and reunite his parents, who answered the call? When Jason Bateman obliterated the wrestling competition at his college because he is a fucking werewolf, who was there to pat him on the back?</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Air France - Beach Party Usually after I’m done pleasuring myself to icanhazcheeseburger, and the non-primal brain state returns, I often wonder of what use the emotional response to ‘cute’ is. What good has ‘cuteness’ done to evolution? The only think I can think of is they’re fucking adorable, there’s nothing else to it, and something internally wants us to protect it, hold it, and maybe lick it. I don’t know who Air France is, but all I’m saying is I would shoot predators from a helicopter to ensure they keep making songs like this.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Blondie - Atomic Some of us weren't even born when this song came out, and were introduced to it either one of two ways: You saw junk-sick Ewan McGregor commit statutory rape to an awful Brtish cover of this song, or you were busy trying to create a race riot in Little Havana in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Either way, you were instantly hooked. But try to remember to leave the needle in for a few minutes so you don't lose any drugs. Don't worry, Crash Bandicoot will still be there when you wake up.</image:title>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/641cf2e61b301b2055e2bc7d/1679619680532-Q206QSC5J0D7K6LC7TMZ/flash.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Grandmaster Flash - White Lines I like this song because most people in this day and age listen to it ironically. That's right, they're probably out on the slopes before the song even starts. He even adds an echo to when he shouts "Don't Do It!", which means if he could say it more than once at that point in time and space, he would. He even wrote it in the title of the song, and probably has it tattooed on his arm somewhere. He needs to join the Girls Gone Wild crew, and right before some girl attempts the Daytona 500 for an 8-ball of Cascade, he'll jump out of the closet and give her a t-shirt with the aforementioned advice and a stern look.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - The Clash - Janie Jones This is Jacko here, to tell you how life is in late 70s London. We here, we like Rock 'n Roll. Ever heard of it? Didnt think so. You know what we like to do? A little something called getting stoned. If you dont know what that means, well, I ain't gonna tell ya. And I like a girl! A girl named Janie Jones. I'm also rather dissatisfied with my job situation. You yanks think you really have something to sing about, but if you haven't experienced late 70s London, you missed out on a brief glimpse of where evolution will bring us.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Junior Senior - Chicks &amp; Dicks This song is pretty hip, and is only like one step away from Fatboy Slim, which I am forbidden to play. If Fatboy Slim did heroin, he'd be in this list quicker than a witty retort from Cody on Step by Step. But the fates have it that Fatboy Slim doesnt hate his life or doesn't want to get addicted to the most addictive substance on the planet. If the indie scene were an 80s horror flick, which it is (oh, snap!), Vincent Price would bust out of the DJ booth shaped like a coffin, grinding with Nico and Andy Warhol, singing with impending doom, "They're dying to get in! Hahahahahahahahahahahahah."</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - The Stooges - No Fun I wish more people were honest like Iggy. Iggy just tells it like it is, like "Hey, really, if your'e looking for a good time, look somewhere else. I'm very boring, indecisive, and I haven't really found a way to entertain myself." To which you would (hopefully) say, "Y'know what, buddy? I think you're fun. You're a great guy. Put on some clean clothes, tell your mom you're going out, and well go find some trouble to get into. Next thing you know, the guy's drinking lemonade and watching Friends. You are a good friend to have.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Primal Scream - Kill All Hippies If conservatism was always this funky, there would be no war. I predicted in the earlier days if Cheney dropped the Harlem Shake during the Republican Convention, Bush would just freak out and be all like, “Stop that! Stop that dancing right now! Dick! Jesus Christ, stop it! Just stop it!” and he would run over and pull the plug but Cheney’s newfound urban-ness provided enough energy to auto-tune every TV in the nation from the liberal media elite to the greatest footwork and limber(ty) displayed by an in-office VP since Gore did softshoe. And Kerry wanted to be the next ‘black’ president. Please. Bring it on? It has already been broughten. Suckas just got served.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - TechnoTronic - Pump Up the Jam I still can't believe Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez are brothers.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Cyndi Lauper - Good Enough This song still gives me the creeps, because it was played at a point in The Goonies when you realized these kids were in way over their heads. It didn't help any my uncle was in real estate, and kept muttering, "Those little shits are fucking up a perfectly legal land-dispute conclusion. Fuck them." When Mikey's dad tears up the deed, which has been brought to the beach for some reason, my uncle punched a hole in the wall in the perfect shape of a fist holding a beer bottle. When holidays get boring, me and my cousins go below the deck and whisper, "This is our time! This is our time down here!", my uncle flips out and is often asked to leave. Then we tell our fat cousin (IN-LAW) that if he doesn't do the Truffle Shuffle, Santa will die.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Eve - Cowboy (Fatboy Slim Remix) Possibly the most fun had dropping the n-bomb since the Manhattan Project. I don’t understand why producers don’t edit out shout outs to the original producers while doing the remix. I mean they don’t necessarily have to insert a vocoder voice saying ‘Fatboy Slim’ instead of ‘Swiss Beatz’, because that’s just lame and just screams ‘I’m not talented enough to have the original artist redub that portion’. They could do some Sneakers shit and find 3 instances of her saying all the syllables but then it would sound like her voice is cracking and some bigwig upstairs would freak out running down the hallway like ‘Nooooo! Lil’ Romeo’s going through puberty! Cancel that check!!’ It just bothers me because I think Eve’s fans [re:black women] should give Fatboy Slim [re:white english celebrity, who’s main work is composed of recomposing rap music] some ‘props’ for his delicious beats, not Swiss. We can be cool sometimes. Please.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Huey Lewis &amp; The News - Power of Love Huey Lewis has crafted such such a song of pure brilliance, only him and Steven Hawking (when he was 15) know exactly what's going on in this song. They play this in Back to the Future after Jennifer gives Marty McFly her grandmother's telephone number and then kisses him as a cinematic expression of the love Huey Lewis alludes to. Marty is stunned after the kiss, his blank stare devoid of any comprehension. His gaze seems to say, Whatthefuckwasthat?, and then the seemingly non-diagetic music is turned up. You really wanna know what that is? Huey answers: Thats the Power of Love. But don't be fooled, Michael J. Fox is an actor, he was only acting like he knows what's up. That's what actors do.</image:title>
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      <image:title>Blog - Songs I Have Never Skipped - Laura Branigan - Gloria This is more of an honorable mention, because I have been prohibited from playing this song. Seriously. No one will back me up. I suspect my fellow DJs are upset I am the one who discovered this song, or they are afraid the Awesome Police will show up and throw me in the Awesome Hole for 6 months. I elude the Awesome Police (who are funded by the Carlyle Group) everyday, I know their tricks and mind games. Much like Bruce Lee was murdered for teaching westerners the secrets of the east, I may too may suffer one day for my generosity. But until I get my Enter the Dragon of awesomeness, I will continue to sprinkle a few Awesome Seeds here and there. In a time before me, someone tossed some Awesome Seeds near Brewster, NY. And those seeds were watered and trimmed, and the fruit of that tree fell in 1982, and the name of that sweet fruit was Gloria.</image:title>
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